But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
