I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
