Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
