Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
