Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
