I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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