No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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