I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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