We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
