He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
