i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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