I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
