and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
