you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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