dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
