I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
