my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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