I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
