I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I wear drunk well.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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