she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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