I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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