I think I am morally bankrupt
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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