Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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