And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
