Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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