He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
