two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
