Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
