he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
