Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
