just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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