my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
