Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
