Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
