Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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