She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
