it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
