i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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