apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
