The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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