I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
