she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
