Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
