During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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