On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
