not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
