Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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