Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
