Do you still have your period?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
