ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
