those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
