This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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