My liver just broke up with me...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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