She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
