$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
