so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
