i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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