i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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