if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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