This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
